A BIG question that haunted me for years……
Why did I start pulling out my hair at the age of 12???
I vividly remember the first moment I started pulling out my hair. I was horrified and thought what is wrong with me??? What am I doing??? I was sitting on a couch in our living room watching TV. I was alone at the time. (I didn’t realize until later in my life that a culmination of factors led to my pulling.)
The week before, I had gotten a perm and it was a botched job. The perm fried my hair. It was awful. I remember messing with the resulting split ends and breaking them off.
The actual pulling out of my hair wasn’t happening…yet.
My mom decided the best route to go was to chop my hair off. I didn’t have a say in the matter. I was embarrassed, devastated and hated my shorter hair. I was extremely self conscious about it and felt very ugly.
Within a few days of my hair fiasco, my parents left town for the weekend on a business trip and left my brothers and I with “friends of theirs”. They stayed at our house with us. The man, mid forties, was attracted to me and had been sexually inappropriate with me on more than one occasion. No one knew this. He would corner me and his sexual advances started to escalate that weekend. I was on heightened alert and afraid of him.
I had recently started puberty and believe that this was a contributing factor as well. Later in life, I uncovered that I had been sexually abused as a young child. I had repressed each instance and learned that puberty can trigger repressed sexual abuse.
I believe these three things happening at once: bad hair experience, fear of the family friend sexually assaulting me, the onset of puberty, all created fertile ground for TRICH becoming a nightmarish coping behavior for me.
I remember being on heightened alert that day watching TV. I was anxious and fearful, almost to the state of panic, and felt very alone. I pulled my first hair and remember how it hurt but then I quickly felt some relief. I didn’t realize it at the time, but my body releasing endorphins after pulling was calming and soothing me.
My nightmare with pulling, and other body focused repetitive behaviors had just begun.
When my hair loss on my head started becoming noticeable, around 13ish, my mother took me to a dermatologist for answers. She didn’t know that I was the cause, or if she did, she didn’t say. I was diagnosed with alopecia, and during the few visits I had, the Dr. would put a serum of sorts on my head to stimulate hair growth. The treatments of course never worked!
As the damage progressively got worse, I would conceal it the best that I could, and it was never discussed again in my family. Support groups were unheard of at the time. I was alone.
From that first “pull” on the couch, I spent hours of my life pulling from all areas of my body. I loved when I could pull a hair out by its root. This escalation of the compulsion caused incredible self loathing and disgust but I couldn’t stop. Another favorite, that gave me great satisfaction to pull, were course hairs, there was something about the texture and my perceived imperfection of them.
Besides pulling with my fingers, tweezers rarely left my side. Head hair, pubic, and lower leg hair were my main go too’s but eyelashes and eyebrows were not off limits. Along with trichotillomania,* I suffered from dermatillomania,* a skin picking disorder.
To this day, I am very grateful for concealers and other cosmetics that help me to feel more physically beautiful. I was grateful at the time for pantyhose. They helped conceal the damage I did to my legs. And I am also grateful that they are a thing of the past!
The damage to my head hair gradually became so significant that I consequently spent many hours trying to conceal it with barrettes and strategic hair styles. Curling irons and hair spray became very good friends of mine! I missed the bus on more than one occasion, and cried many tears because I couldn’t conceal my pulling well enough to feel comfortable going to school.
No surprise that I eventually was physically impacted from pulling in other ways. I have muscle, nerve, and tendon damage in my neck, back, wrists and hands.
I was not only impacted physically but mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
I harbored so much shame and embarrassment. I experienced low self-worth and self-esteem along with chronic anxiety and depression, and wanted to leave this world many times but never considered suicide as an option.
I had trouble staying focused which impacted my schooling and jobs.
My boundaries were weak and healthy relationships with others was a constant struggle. Along with the hair pulling and skin picking I had formed an unhealthy relationship with food.
I did do some drinking and binging of alcohol during high school and college. Thankfully, every time I drank I experienced allergic reactions that were quite unpleasant so drinking never became an addiction. Neither did cigarettes or marijuana…..never enjoyed them.
My body-focused repetitive behaviors* permeated and negatively impacted every facet of my life for many years.
I do believe that part of my pulling and picking stemmed from an unconscious need to be undesirable to men. The bald spots, sores, scabs, scarring from the damage I did to my body was appalling to me, and yet men were still attracted to me and I to them. I later learned about the impact of repressed childhood sexual abuse and trauma.
In my early twenties I became pregnant with my first child. My suffering became unbearable and I sought out a counselor. She was a beautiful and compassionate soul, and was the first person I’d ever confided in about my hair. I carried so much shame that I couldn’t make eye contact with her and just sobbed when I told her. I learned for the first time that my compulsive hair pulling had a name, trichotillomania.* My counseling sessions were limited because of insurance coverage but she tried to help the best she could. Unfortunately, solutions were limited and pharmaceutical medications were the main solution.
Some of the damage I did to myself...
These are the first photos I had ever taken of the damage in 2019. I had never been able to look at myself in this way until my 50s, or let alone be vulnerable enough to let others see me.
She introduced me to tapping, but it didn’t resonate at the time. In hind site, I wish it would have. I now believe tapping is effective and I often recommend it to other sufferers.
I went through different rounds of anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications for a few years but didn’t experience much relief. I did find some relief with one anti-anxiety drug that was classified as addictive. Thankfully, I never became addicted to it. I stopped taking any drugs when I became pregnant with my second child for fear of how the baby would be affected. Started them again for a bit after the birth, and then went off them completely when I became pregnant with my twins.
During the years of bearing my children, I started seeking solutions through eastern medicine and “non-traditional” healing avenues.
My journey into spirituality and metaphysics went into full swing. I was searching, searching, searching for relief and answers. I prayed for them.
The internet wasn’t big yet back then so I devoured every self help and new age book I could get my hands on. I started yoga, journaling, walking, hiking and gardening. (I realized a perk of gardening was pulling weeds because the act and sensation of pulling the weeds is similar for me to pulling hair.) I even began lifting weights.
The biggest result of my searching was the heartbreaking fact, that my biological father sexually abused me. I realized I had repressed and disassociated from the abuse for many years. I also realized I was a target for other pedophiles and was sexually abused by them as well.
I slowly began to heal physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
Energy healing, meditation, shadow work, and dietary changes also became very important parts of my healing. I began to more freely feel and express all of my emotions even the ones I had repressed. Feeling my emotions was critical to my healing.
To feel is to heal.
I purchased my first hair piece and gradually started to feel more beautiful. The urges to pull and pick were subsiding and I began to love and have compassion for myself.
My unhealthy coping behaviors were becoming a thing of the past.
I occasionally, and very rarely now, will reach for a hair on my head and pull it. I still pull some areas for aesthetic reasons but do not carry any shame around it and no longer compulsively pull. I still occasionally pick at my skin and cuticles but not obsessively. I carry my scars and hair damage proudly and with out shame now. I have even allowed some that are close to me to see the incredible damage that was done.
The years of repetitive pulling eventually caused my hair to stop growing in many areas but I maintain faith that it will grow back because of the incredible and transformational healing I have already experienced. I also believe in magic and miracles! In the meantime…I love and appreciate my wigs and hair pieces, beanies and boho bandeaus! I am very grateful for the greater availability and choices and for those that create them!
Healing fully has allowed me to establish a more powerful connection to my soul essence and to those that guide me in spirit. I live life to the fullest now and proudly claim my energy healing gifts.
The human spirit truly is powerfully resilient! We truly have an amazing capacity and ability to heal ourselves fully and thrive even after extreme circumstances!
I AM an incredible space-holder and conduit for powerful healing energy now and am passionate about assisting others in healing so that they too may experience a more soul-full and joy-full life!
I AM a Divine Channel for healing!
I AM beautiful!
I AM a survivor!
I AM a thriver!
You too have the ability to heal and thrive, even if you don’t believe it yet!
With much Love,
Elizabeth
Definitions:
*Body Focused Repetitive Behaviors (BFRBs)
Includes any repetitive self-grooming behavior that involves biting, pulling, picking, or scraping one’s own hair/scalp, skin, lips, cheeks, or nails that can lead to physical damage to the body and have been met with multiple attempts to stop or decrease the behavior.
*Trichotillomania (TRICH)
A disorder that involves recurrent, irresistible urges to pull out body hair. The urges involve pulling out hair from the scalp, eyebrows, or other areas of the body.
*Dermatillomania
Dermatillomania or excoriation disorder, is a skin picking disorder where you cannot stop picking at your skin.
*Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)
Features a pattern of unwanted thoughts and fears (obsessions) that lead you to do repetitive behaviors (compulsions). These obsessions and compulsions interfere with daily activities and cause significant distress.